Pretzel Day translates 50 Cent

I have been friends with rapper 50 Cent for several years. We grew up in the same neighborhood in rural Effingham, Illinois. We were practically connected at the hip. We did everything young boys from Effingham do. We milked cows, washed the pigs, collected eggs from the chickens, sheared some sheep, saddle the horses, shot the bison, and teased the rabbits. (The first two things were farm related tasks, the last five are all euphemisms for hooking up with women.)

Anywho, as you know, around Fifty’s seventh birthday his dad sold his farm and moved his family to Jamaica. I tried to visit him a couple times, but I didn’t have his Jamaican address. A few more years passed and I realized Fifty now resided in South Jamaica in Queens, New York. “My b,” I told Fifty.

After I figured out his new location, I went out there to visit him. He had fallen into a new crowd. A fast crowd. I went out there to celebrate my birthday and things got out of hand. He kept calling me “Shorty.” He kept asking me to drink Bicardi, but I was all like, “Yo, Fifty, we’re like nine.” He told me to eff myself. I was pissed. But enough time has passed and my wounds have healed. We’re friends again. Not like we were before, but maybe we’ll get there one day.

I know plenty of white people don’t understand rap. I get it. It’s confusing. While I myself am technically white, my background with Fifty allows me to understand him in ways others who share my skin tone cannot. I will now help you all understand Fifty Cent’s “If I Can’t.”

Yea, ha ha, yea, yea

Fifty is laughing. This usually connotes the he finds something funny or amusing. I don’t know for sure, but I would bet Dre or someone told a really funny joke right before they started recording. Now, Fifty especially loves political humor, so maybe Nate Dogg said something really funny about Hillary Clinton.

[Hook: 50 Cent]
If I can’t do it, homie, it can’t be done
Now I’ma let the champagne bottle pop
I’ma take it to the top
Fo sho I’ma make it hot, baby (baby)

If I’m not capable of doing something, it is likely no one is capable. Watch me as I shake up this champagne bottle. Seriously, watch me, this is going to be awesome! Yo, I’m kind of cold, is it cool if I turn the heat up a little?

[Verse 1: 50 Cent]
I apply pressure to pussies that stuntin I pop

I like to squeeze cats. Not too hard, mind you, but still.

Stand alone squeezin my pistol I’m sure that I gotta

Sometimes I like to be alone and squeeze my cat, Pistol. I do this to make me feel less lonely.

Now Peter Piper picked peppers but Run rocked rhymes
I’m 50 Cent, I write a lil bit but I pop nines
Tell n—–, “Get they money right,” cuz I got mine
And I’m around quit playin n—- you can’t shine
You gon be that next chump to end up in the trunk
After bein hit by the pump, is that whut you want?
Be easy n—-, I’ll lay your ass out
Believe me n—-, thats whut I’m about, gangsta
You could find a n—- sittin on chrome
Hit the clutch, hit the gear, hit the gas & I’m gone (Yea!)

It’s obvious to me that Fifty did not write this part of the song. The Fifty I know would never use the “n-word.”

[Chorus: 50 Cent]

(It’s a wrap, n—)

He is reminded us that he is performing a rap, although he spelled it a little wrong.

I been feelin i had to teach lessons to slow learners

Sometimes, I feel as if I am destined to become a special ed teacher.

Go head act up, get smacked in the head with the burner

However, I subscribe to a corporal punishment philosophy which would undoubtedly be unpopular with the administration.

I dont fight fair, I’m dirty-dirty

All’s fair in love and war, I haven’t showered in a couple days.

I’m from Southside Jamaica, Queens, n—-ya’heard me?

I currently reside in New York, but I’m homesick for my Effinham, Illinois. My old Effingham compatriots, can you hear me?

When streetlights come on n—- blast the nines

If I’m not in bed by eight, my mom freaks out and gives me a timeout.

In the game there’s up’s and down’s, so I stay on the grind

I can’t watch the Cubs anymore. They’re too much of an emotional roller coaster.

N—– on my dick more than my bitch, I stay on they mind

N—– on my dick more than my bitch, I stay on there mind.

They aint nothin they could do to stop my shine

Ugh. Why is my forehead so greasy? I use Neutragena, but still, I’m shiny.

This is God’s plan homey, this ain’t mine

I do not believe in free will, I subscribe to Calvin’s theory of predestination.

I played the music loud so Grandpa called me a nuisance

It’s tough watching loved ones grow old.

And Grandma; who always gotta throw in her two cents

It’s cute that even though they’re old, they still love each other.

I’m the drop out who made more more money than these teachers

I’m surrounded by idiots.

Roofless/Ruthless like the Coupe but I come with more features

I can do more stuff than a car can.

I am what I am, you could like it or love it

You know what they say, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

It feels good to pull 50 grand & think nothin of it

Being rich is the bomb, I suggest you all try it.

Fuck it

Crap, I think I left my keys in my car.

I realize this isn’t the whole song, but the whole song is really long, and I have final papers due in two weeks that I have to work on. Plus, jokes like this get tired relatively quickly, so best to quit when ahead.