I actually do not love Towson

Founders: So we’ve got some pretty good academics, but would you mind throwing in a huge, rampant party scene? We don’t want to be like those South Side snobs who study all day.

God: Sorry guys, we all know nerds don’t party. You can have a couple shitty bars though.

Founders: Come on man. We’ve got to brave Chicago weather, not to mention sports teams, for nine months. Cut us some slack.

God: Fine, you can have a day at the end of May. It will be called Dillo Day, and no one will be sure why.

Founders: Deal.

So we’ve got one day all year to have fun. On top of that, I missed it last year to watch this guy. As you can imagine, I was pretty pumped for this year. Plus, with Regina Spektor, Guster and Nelly all performing, there was no way I was going to miss it.

As it turns out, I missed it.

One week prior to Dillo Day I found out I wouldn’t be attending. Rather I would be going to Towson, Maryland, to cover women’s lacrosse. I would explain, but I’m still pissed off.

To be fair, when I say “cover women’s lacrosse,” I mean cover the most successful college sports team of the past half decade, Northwestern’s five-time defending national champion lacrosse team. That was my saving grace. Because believe me, I would not miss Dillo Day to cover any women’s lacrosse game.

My journey started Friday morning at the Milwaukee Airport. I was pretty rushed at the airport so I don’t remember much, but I do remember the area where you put your life together after going through security is called the “Recombobulation area.” Which apparently is somewhat of a prank. Airport security, you jokesters!

I met up with a friend when I got to Maryland and we drove over to my hotel so I could check in. The cheapest rates I could find where at the Ramada Inn, which doesn’t even look nice on the website. Also, the first review that comes up after googling “Towson Ramada Inn” is this: “The place was dirty and decrepit. The neighborhood was creepy and rundown.” Need I say more?

Saturday I woke up late and headed over to a local Rite Aid to pick up a card reader for my camera. I didn’t have a car, so I ended up taking a walking tour through Towson. Unfortunately I didn’t bring any normal clothes (regardless, the only clothes I own are polos and khakis). So I strolled through Towson in my long-sleeve polo, khakis and dress shoes.

(As an aside, this post is not meant as tirade against Towson. It’s really a great town, with some very notable contributions to society, including Elaine Benes, Spiro Agnew and a draw queen named Divine. My hatred is just misdirected anger over missing this live performance of “Grillz”).

After I bought the card reader I went to a nearby McDonalds to pick up food for the night, not knowing if I would have any other option. The only food establishment I remember seeing near the Ramada Inn was a place called Cheesy’s Pizza (apparently they’re still experimenting with their web site), where extra large pizzas are $5.99 on Tuesdays. To be honest Cheesy’s crossed my mind, but (a) it was Saturday and (b) I could never do that to my heart.

Sure enough, when I got back to my hotel I realized there was a McDonalds on the other side of the street.

After I got back I took a nap and woke up in time to see Roy Halladay finish his perfect game. I knew there wouldn’t be another perfect game for at least a week, so I figured I had to watch the end of this one.

Because Sunday’s game was at 5:30 p.m., I went to bed around 5 a.m. thinking I would just wake up late. As it happened, I woke up several times earlier when the room service ladies knocked on the door. Each time I pretended to be asleep, and they went away. But one time they didn’t go away. They kept knocking and finally opened the door a little bit. This time my fake sleeping didn’t fool them.

“Please come to the door!”

I opened the door and they asked me if I had checked out. No, I told them, I was going to do it later that afternoon. Turns out I was supposed to check out at noon.

It was 1.

The cleaning lady gave me ten minutes to pack up all my stuff. In my mind it was like when God gave Moses one night to cross the Red Sea, only on a somewhat smaller scale. At first I thought that would be impossible, but it turned out to be surprisingly simple. The hardest part was deciding whether to take the air freshner I had bought because the room was a smoking room (I left it). I’m sure Moses encountered a similar problem.

I would write about the championship game, but I already did. I was up all Sunday night writing, so my plan was to doze off the second the plane took off. On the plane I was sitting next to two large women, which normally would have bothered me, but I fell right asleep. The plane ride is mostly a blur, although I do vaguely remember the women looking at me and trying to talk to me when I woke up. I probably should have said something or acknowledged them in some way, but I was too tired.

If you’ve gotten to this point I’m somewhat sorry. This is my longest and most self-centered Pretzel Day post, so please forgive me. If I hadn’t decided to cover the lacrosse team, you would be reading crazy stories about my numerous hook-ups and run-ins with the law on Dillo Day. But because I chose journalism over alcoholism, I was able to recount my experiences in Towson, Maryland.

And I’m a better man because of it.

The rules are simple. The show that the character belongs to must have enjoyed its beginning or the bulk of its success during the time period of 2000 to 2009 (disqualifying shows like The Simpsons). Additionally, sketch comedy and late-night talk shows weren’t considered. Additionally, the show would have had to have at least 2+ seasons in order to properly develop the characters (sorry Freaks and Geeks).

Of course, my opinion is my opinion, and my list will generate some discussion, as I’m sure that even my colleagues here at Pretzel Day are bound to disagree with something about my list. But discussion is healthy, and this is definitely one worth having.

So, without further to do, here they are:

The Funniest TV Show Characters of the 2000’s

1. Charlie Kelly, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Played by Charlie Day, who also happens to be the show’s co-creator/developer and one of the main writers, Charlie Kelly is the most lovable illiterate, glue-huffing, waitress-stalking, cat-food eating, disgusting human being ever created. But that’s what makes him so great and hilarious. He is the best representation of the humor of the show: verbal slapstick and screwball comedy.

The writers of the show have Charlie’s character down to the tee. Whether it’s his long thermal underwear he wears in his run-down apartment which he shares with friend/possible father Frank (played by Danny Devito) or dressing up as the now-iconic Green Man, Charlie is consistent in all aspects, including being dependably hysterical whenever he’s on screen.

2. The Janitor, Scrubs

The Janitor is a favorite here at Pretzel Day for a lot of reasons. Neil Flynn, who plays the Janitor, is from nearby Waukegan, Ill., and was a champion member of the speech team in both high school and college (Robbie is a speech team enthusiast). Also, Flynn is a renowned improv actor and ad-libs many, if not most, of his lines (In some scripts, the writers of Scrubs will write in “Whatever Neil says” for the Janitor’s line).

But the main reason we love the Janitor so much is because, well, he’s really really funny. His existence in the show initially was merely to torment the young John Dorian (see No. 5 for JD), but the show has done a great job with developing the Janitor’s character and range of humor over the seasons.

One thing to note is that the Janitor is unique in that he often bends the rules of reality. He often makes up elaborate lies, but the show also shows him doing ridiculous things, such as moving into a sandcastle or hanging JD like a flag from a flagpole.

The character of the Janitor almost never happened. Flynn initially auditioned for the role of Dr. Perry Cox. Although he wasn’t offered the role, the producers liked him so much that they wrote in a bit for him as the Janitor in the Pilot. After seeing how hilarious he was as the Janitor, they decided to keep him as a regular. We’re glad they did.

3. Buster Bluth, Arrested Development

Never was awkward social ineptness as funny as Buster Bluth, played by Tony Hale. He is overly mothered by his mom and is a professional student, studying cartography, Native American tribal ceremonies, 18th century agrarian business principles, and archaeology.

Although he is a grown man, he is over-the-top immature, naïve, and helpless. And although this sounds rather sad, it is anything but. There probably has never been an actor better suited for a character than Hale, and Buster’s various quirks and peculiarities stand out in a show full of odd, bizarre characters.

4. Dwight Schrute, The Office

Who likes that one kid that’s always a huge suck-up that takes life and himself way too seriously? Well, if his name is Dwight Schrute, we do.

Dwight is the perfect character in that the only thing funnier and more entertaining than the actual portrayal of Dwight by Rainn Wilson is Dwight’s backstory. He is the typical weirdo from an Amish farming background: He lives on a beet farm with his cousin Mose, where he runs a bed and breakfast, has a grandmother who was a Nazi war criminal, loves his martial arts, and is a former Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy.

The pairing of Dwight and colleague Jim Halpert forms one of the funniest combinations on television, and Wilson’s work alongside Steve Carell (Michael Scott, see No. 6) is pure comedic genius.

5. John Dorian, Scrubs

And now to probably my personal favorite character of the last decade, who happens to be on probably my favorite show. JD may not be as flat-out hilarious as the four mentioned before him in the list, but he is undeniably more well-rounded and developed as a character.

That being said, JD is pretty damn funny in his own right. JD’s humor comes from his over-the-top daydreams, emotional insecurities, and his excessive flamboyancy. JD also stand out because Zach Braff utilizes physical humor better than any character on this list. Braff plays JD brilliantly, and JD is the perfect example of what makes Scrubs so great: he can go from side-splitting humor to tear-jerking drama in a matter of seconds.

6. Michael Scott, The Office

Steve Carell takes an annoying, irritating, and infuriating character and does the unthinkable – makes him likeable. How? Because he is so damn funny.

Whether he is making “That’s What She Said Jokes,” talking about his deep hatred for the office’s HR rep Toby Henderson, or working on his not-so-burgeoning  improve career, Michael is unique in that while he would be incredibly unfunny in real life, he is absolutely hilarious on TV.

Carell also shows off his acting genius with his occasional subtle bits in which he reveals the human, caring side of Michael, giving depth to one of the most simple, yet complex characters on TV.

7. Tobias Fünke, Arrested Development

Another awkward, socially inept, down-right creepy character on the list, Tobias’ failure in life is our gain as an audience.

Although this list could very well be filled with the entire cast of Arrested Development, Tobias lands on the list because he stands out in the show’s hilarious cast. The aspiring actor who lost his license as Psychiatrist and an Analrapist (Analyst/Therapist) after giving CPR to a man that was actually just sleeping, Tobias is hysterical with his never-nude syndrome (exactly what it sounds like) and his never-ending sexual innuendos, of which he is completely oblivious.

8. Stewie Griffin – Family Guy

The only animated character to make the list, Stewie is your typical one-year-old. In between battling the occasional poop-in-his-diapers, Stewie is mostly concerned with taking over the world and killing his mom, all while speaking with incredible insight and vocabulary.

Apart from the hilarity that a one-year-old engages in such behaviors like car-jacking, robbery, forgery, and murder to become one of TV’s all-time best villains, some of Stewie’s funniest moments come from simple, dumb humor – Seth McFarlane at his best.

Also, I can’t help but love the musical numbers.

9. Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

I’m going to be honest, I didn’t initially intend to include Tina Fey’s character on the list. But 30 Rock is definitely deserving of a spot in my top 10, and Tina Fey’s character is the perfect combination of normal yet bizarre, striking a very comfortable comedic balance. It was hard to pick Liz over Tracy Jordan (played by Tracy Morgan) and Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), but Liz’s interactions with them are really where the main humor lies.

The lone female representative on the list, Tina Fey is as funny as they come, regardless of gender.

10. Ari Gold, Entourage

The only character on the list that is on more of a drama than a comedy, Ari Gold is easily the funniest character in the show and one of, if not the best, asshole on television.

He’s neurotic, he’s offensive, and he’s down right crude. But he takes verbal abuse to another level, and he’s got some of the best one-liners we’ve ever heard (“Lloyd, speak, or I will intern you like it’s 1942!”). Sure, Jeremy Piven may have the writers to thank for that, but his performance as Ari Gold, both comedic and dramatic, is one of the best of the decade.

Honorable mentions

Like I said, the entire cast of Arrested Development should be considered, especially Gob Bluth, played by Will Arnett… If Andy Bernard came on the show sooner or Creed Bratton got more screen time, they probably would have joined their fellow The Office characters on the list… I find the show mildly funny at best, but Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) of How I Met Your Mother probably belongs somewhere near or on the list… It’s hard to gauge the genius of Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Hilarious, but maybe not enough of a character to be in my top 10… Brett and Jermaine of The Flight of the Conchords are hilarious, but they only had one good season with the show, and their best humor is in their music… They wrote off Aziz Ansari’s unfunny character on Scrubs so he could be the much funnier Tom Haverford in Parks and Recreation.

Anywho, as you know, around Fifty’s seventh birthday his dad sold his farm and moved his family to Jamaica. I tried to visit him a couple times, but I didn’t have his Jamaican address. A few more years passed and I realized Fifty now resided in South Jamaica in Queens, New York. “My b,” I told Fifty.

After I figured out his new location, I went out there to visit him. He had fallen into a new crowd. A fast crowd. I went out there to celebrate my birthday and things got out of hand. He kept calling me “Shorty.” He kept asking me to drink Bicardi, but I was all like, “Yo, Fifty, we’re like nine.” He told me to eff myself. I was pissed. But enough time has passed and my wounds have healed. We’re friends again. Not like we were before, but maybe we’ll get there one day.

I know plenty of white people don’t understand rap. I get it. It’s confusing. While I myself am technically white, my background with Fifty allows me to understand him in ways others who share my skin tone cannot. I will now help you all understand Fifty Cent’s “If I Can’t.”

Yea, ha ha, yea, yea

Fifty is laughing. This usually connotes the he finds something funny or amusing. I don’t know for sure, but I would bet Dre or someone told a really funny joke right before they started recording. Now, Fifty especially loves political humor, so maybe Nate Dogg said something really funny about Hillary Clinton.

[Hook: 50 Cent]
If I can’t do it, homie, it can’t be done
Now I’ma let the champagne bottle pop
I’ma take it to the top
Fo sho I’ma make it hot, baby (baby)

If I’m not capable of doing something, it is likely no one is capable. Watch me as I shake up this champagne bottle. Seriously, watch me, this is going to be awesome! Yo, I’m kind of cold, is it cool if I turn the heat up a little?

[Verse 1: 50 Cent]
I apply pressure to pussies that stuntin I pop

I like to squeeze cats. Not too hard, mind you, but still.

Stand alone squeezin my pistol I’m sure that I gotta

Sometimes I like to be alone and squeeze my cat, Pistol. I do this to make me feel less lonely.

Now Peter Piper picked peppers but Run rocked rhymes
I’m 50 Cent, I write a lil bit but I pop nines
Tell n—–, “Get they money right,” cuz I got mine
And I’m around quit playin n—- you can’t shine
You gon be that next chump to end up in the trunk
After bein hit by the pump, is that whut you want?
Be easy n—-, I’ll lay your ass out
Believe me n—-, thats whut I’m about, gangsta
You could find a n—- sittin on chrome
Hit the clutch, hit the gear, hit the gas & I’m gone (Yea!)

It’s obvious to me that Fifty did not write this part of the song. The Fifty I know would never use the “n-word.”

[Chorus: 50 Cent]

(It’s a wrap, n—)

He is reminded us that he is performing a rap, although he spelled it a little wrong.

I been feelin i had to teach lessons to slow learners

Sometimes, I feel as if I am destined to become a special ed teacher.

Go head act up, get smacked in the head with the burner

However, I subscribe to a corporal punishment philosophy which would undoubtedly be unpopular with the administration.

I dont fight fair, I’m dirty-dirty

All’s fair in love and war, I haven’t showered in a couple days.

I’m from Southside Jamaica, Queens, n—-ya’heard me?

I currently reside in New York, but I’m homesick for my Effinham, Illinois. My old Effingham compatriots, can you hear me?

When streetlights come on n—- blast the nines

If I’m not in bed by eight, my mom freaks out and gives me a timeout.

In the game there’s up’s and down’s, so I stay on the grind

I can’t watch the Cubs anymore. They’re too much of an emotional roller coaster.

N—– on my dick more than my bitch, I stay on they mind

N—– on my dick more than my bitch, I stay on there mind.

They aint nothin they could do to stop my shine

Ugh. Why is my forehead so greasy? I use Neutragena, but still, I’m shiny.

This is God’s plan homey, this ain’t mine

I do not believe in free will, I subscribe to Calvin’s theory of predestination.

I played the music loud so Grandpa called me a nuisance

It’s tough watching loved ones grow old.

And Grandma; who always gotta throw in her two cents

It’s cute that even though they’re old, they still love each other.

I’m the drop out who made more more money than these teachers

I’m surrounded by idiots.

Roofless/Ruthless like the Coupe but I come with more features

I can do more stuff than a car can.

I am what I am, you could like it or love it

You know what they say, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

It feels good to pull 50 grand & think nothin of it

Being rich is the bomb, I suggest you all try it.

Fuck it

Crap, I think I left my keys in my car.

I realize this isn’t the whole song, but the whole song is really long, and I have final papers due in two weeks that I have to work on. Plus, jokes like this get tired relatively quickly, so best to quit when ahead.

Most of these kids grow up to become normal adults, with a scattered pedophilia here and a drug addiction there. But one outcast has soared above the rest. Rod Blagojevich, please rise.

We’ve already established that Blagojevich is crazy. Last month I found out just how deranged he really is. The former-Governor and soon-to-be convicted felon took his traveling circus to his alma mater, which I happen to attend. The event sold out in a week, with around 1,000 students and community members in attendance. And I have no doubt every single audience member got their money’s worth (the event was free).

Already 30 minutes late, Blagojevich kicked off the night with a 20-minute rampage in which he compared himself to Elvis and used phrases like “testicular virility.” Then came a panel discussion, where three professors had 15 minutes to take their best shots at the newest candidate on “The Apprentice.” The following is a list of arguments Blagojevich used in his defense:

• Political deals are very common, even at the highest level. For example, before the Democratic Convention in 2008 Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton agreed that Clinton would become Obama’s Secretary of State in return for her bowing out of the race.
• The FBI should release all of the conversations it recorded of Blagojevich,  like it did for Richard Nixon during Watergate. But according to Blagojevich, he’s “the anti-Nixon.”
• Sometimes the Government lies. That’s why he voted for the Iraq War when he was a congressman. Yes, Blagojevich made an analogy between his predicament and the Iraq War.
• Blagojevich appointed Roland Burris to the US Senate because he always felt he should choose an African-American. He called the Senate “the most elite club in the world,” and compared Harry Reid and Dick Durbin to former segregationist governors from Mississippi and Arkansas for not initially accepting Burris.

This man was elected governor of one of the biggest states in the country (twice).

Take a minute to gather your thoughts.

Welcome to Illinois.

Vinny Del Negro, I’m sorry. I said some pretty mean things about you after this game. Then, after this game, I said some REALLY mean things about you.  I was out of line. I’m sure your parents do love you. You probably are smarter than most five year olds. Also, truth be told, I probably couldn’t coach better than you. Well, maybe I could, but it still wasn’t a nice thing to say.

British history professor from last year, I’m sorry. I didn’t read Road to Wigan Pier I cliffnoted it and based my paper off the in class discussions. Although, I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for, you only gave me a B+, dick.

Planet Earth, I’m sorry. I drank a couple water bottles. I know that stuff pisses you off.

High school girls, I’m sorry. I went back to my high school a couple months ago for the school’s variety show and I thought a couple of you were cute. Even though I’m still too young to play a high schooler on TV shows like The OC or 90210 I’m still too old for high school girls.

Raven Symone, I’m sorry. I’m just jealous. I wish I had gotten a chance to work with Sir Bill Cosby.

Everyone associated with Modern Family and The Big Bang Theory, I’m sorry. I really, really hate you guys, but I have no reason why. Being not funny is not a crime.

Luke Wilson, I’m sorry. Maybe it just looks like you’ve gotten really fat.

The only pretty girl in my Ethics of Scholarship class last semester, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stare. You were just the only semi-attractive girl in the class.

The American collegiate fraternity system, I’m sorry. I’m sure not everyone in frats are gay.

My friends, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a party pooper. I’m just really boring.

Waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to only tip two dollars on a twenty-six dollar bill. I didn’t have any other cash on me, and, in my defense, you weren’t a very good waitress. I literally had to ask three times to have a drink refill.

People who didn’t like Shutter Island, I’m sorry. I feel sorry for you guys. You all are really missing out. I do not understand you people. That movie was freakin’ incredible.

While we’re on the subject…

Random people in Whole Foods, I’m sorry. After seeing Shutter Island I was so into it, I needed to talk about it. Of course, I didn’t want to ruin the plot for my friends or family, so I preceded to walk around the grocery store, just talking about the ending. I should have at least spoiler alerted.

Girls with brown hair who dye their hair a platinum color, I’m sorry. I tend to think all you ladies are whores. That’s just not true. There are bound to be one or two of you are just a little bit easy.

Pretentious D-bags, I’m sorry. You know what, screw it. I don’t apologize. You guys are d-bags.

G’day! (I know, terribly cliche. I’m not happy I wrote that either.) My name is Peter. Any friend of Jay’s is a friend of mine. I’ve seen Crocodile Dundee, like, seven times. Furthermore, I’ve seen Crocodile Dundee 2 about five times. Crocodile Dundee 3, I only saw once. It wasn’t very good. I’m sorry. Please don’t tell Paul Hogan. On the other hand, I’m a huge fan of Colin Hay. Love it. Also, Scrubs which Jay says is huge over there.

We are not so different, American and Australia. We both begin with the letter A. We both were started by the Brits. We both have universal healthcare. (Almost) In conclusion, I hope you guys like Jay. But back to the topic at hand.

Epic is a very useful word. It can be substituted for awesome. It is used to describe something massive in magnitude or scope. It can really come in quite handy. I can call Homer’s The Odyssey as an epic tale. I could describe the Pyramids in Egypt as epic structures. Unfortunately, I can’t do that anymore. Bearded high school kids and douchey hipsters have hijacked the vernacular. Instead of being used to describe awesome things, it is now almost exclusively proceeded by “fail.” Often times the word is capitalized. (ie FAIL) Even more disturbingly, it is preceded by LOL. (ie LOL epic FAIL)People need to stop saying that. We get it, you’re alternative.

You cannot believe the number of times (at least 3) I have wanted to describe something as epic, but been forced to restrain myself in order to avoid being placed into that strata of “human beings.” Should I describe the 1812 Overture as epic? No, probably not. Because the people around me might assume I’m the type of person who says things like, “Face palm. LOL. Epic fail.” The day someone confuses me with one of them would literally be the worst day of my life.

Everyone who describes a “fail” as epic should be sequestered in the desert or an island the way people in The Bible did to lepers. Also, they should take the people make those pictures with “fail” as a caption with them. They are all terrible people who do not deserve to, in the words of Chamillionaire, get on my level.

And, again, I would like to extend a warm welcome to any new visitors Pretzel Day might have.

As some of our beloved readers know, I am currently in the middle of my semester studying abroad in Wollongong, Australia. The transition to Aussie life has been quite smooth – there aren’t too many big differences between our cultures. I have submerged myself into their beach lifestyle, have gotten into some Aussie music, and have even picked up on some of their lingo.

But one aspect of Australian life I have had trouble adjusting to goes against the very core of which I stand – sports.

Although I do enjoy me some footie (rugby), I must say that I have a major distaste for cricket. Cricket may be the national sport of Australia, but I just find it to be a more illogical, boring version of baseball.

And seeing how I used to be the manager of the greatest baseball team ever assembled, I think I know a thing or two about baseball.

Back in the day, I was a Backyard Baseball fanatic. I was obsessed. Just as much as America loves Jersey Shore or Tiger Woods loves sexting porn-stars, I loved Backyard Baseball.

And with two weeks left until Opening Day for Major League Baseball, I give you the breakdown of my Backyard Baseball team’s lineup (listed in batting order).

1. Pete Wheeler – CF

“Wheels” is penciled in at the leadoff spot and centerfield due to his swift feet that rivals that of a cheetah. Pete is a bit clumsy and tends to space out every once in a while, but is a serviceable outfielder that also can take the mound if needed. He also packs a punch at the plate, with above-average power for a leadoff man. But his strength is his speed, and Wheeler will always be tops in the league when it comes to stolen bases. Here’s how most games start: Wheeler bunts his way to first. Two pitches later, he’ll already have stolen his way to third.

2. Luanne Lui – LF

When it comes to pure speed, Lui might have a slight edge over Wheeler. Teaming with Wheeler, there is no denying they make the fastest one-two punch in (Backyard) baseball. Lui’s biggest role is that of the team player: she will often need to move Wheeler to scoring position with the power hitters on deck, and she often shifts to center field whenever Wheeler takes the mound. The youngest player in the Backyard Baseball league, Lui will always be seen playing with her cherished teddy bear in hand.

3. Pablo Sanchez – SP

Pablo Sanchez, without a doubt, is the best player in (Backyard) baseball. You might not believe that when you first look at the chubby, short Hispanic kid, but with a versatile offensive game that is only topped by his masterful pitching, Sanchez is a must-have for any baseball team. The perfect No. 3 hitter, Sanchez consistently makes contact with a swing that could blast a 500-foot homerun at any moment. Sanchez’s pitching is unmatched. A scorching fastball, a back-breaking curveball, and a heart-stopping changeup are a few of Sanchez’s weapons, and he owns basically every single pitching record in (backyard) baseball. Sanchez’s gut protrudes out his shirt, and team management has often asked Sanchez to cut down on his nachos and burritos, but Sanchez has yet to show up to Spring Training in shape. But with the numbers that he puts up, I doubt anyone really cares.

4. Achmed Khan – RF

The most powerful bat on the squad belongs to Achmed, who always leads the league in homeruns and RBI. He can struggle when trying to hit to the opposite side of the field, but give him a pitch anywhere on the inside of the plate, and you can expect him to pull it halfway to China. Khan packs a solid arm in right field, and takes over behind the plate when Kenny Kawaguchi comes in to pitch late in games.

5. Amir Khan – 2B

Following Achmed is his little brother Amir. Unlike his older brother, Amir is much more of a line-drive hitter that bases his game on hitting behind the ball to the opposite side of the field. It often looks like his pants are a bit too big for him, but Amir is an underrated fielder and one of the better middle infielders in the league.

6. Kiesha Phillips – 1B

Known as the “neighborhood clown,” Phillips usually makes her opponents tremble, not laugh. An impressive physical specimen, Phillips usually isn’t too far behind Achmed in the homerun rankings. She also has great range in the field. A converted outfielder, Phillips has quick feet and often makes highlight-worthy plays along the first-base line. With her imposing physical frame, Phillips has been the subject of several steroids accusations, which Phillips has vehemently denied.

7. Stephanie Morgan – SS

Simply put, Stephanie Morgan is a baseball player. A solid batter, a great defensive shortstop, and an all-around team player, Morgan is definitely someone you want in your clubhouse. Her game isn’t flashy – most of her hits are singles – but she still puts up above-average numbers while sporting great instincts and awareness.

8. Annie Frazier – 3B

Frazier is the team’s newest addition. Before Frazier took over the hot corner, the position belonged to Jocinda Smith. But after Smith’s batting numbers dropped and a few reported altercations with team management, Smith was dropped for Frazier. A solid third baseman and a doubles machine, Frazier has been a pleasant surprise at the eighth spot. Frazier often sports a shirt with a rainbow on it, and rumors have been swirling that Frazier is a flaming lesbo.

9. Kenny Kawaguchi – C/RP

How’s this for amazing: Kawaguchi is a better baseball player with no legs than most people are with two. He is a below-average hitter, but Kawaguchi handles pitchers exceptionally well, and is the anchor of the team’s bullpen. His calm demeanor and wicked changeup has led one scout to call him “Trevor Hoffman in a wheelchair.”

Was this the greatest baseball team ever assembled? Well, seeing how I haven’t lost a game in 10 years and Pablo Sanchez throws a perfect game 50% of the time, I don’t think there is any doubt.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Play ball!

I even like Sandler’s more serious films. I loved Funny People. Apparently, that makes me a minority. (I hope that makes me eligible for affirmative action.  I could use some breaks.) I have only met three other people who liked that movie. Literally. I don’t get it. It wasn’t funny like The Forty Year Old Virgin but it wasn’t supposed to be. It had heart. It was about learning to be happy with yourself. Whatever.

Regardless, unlike most people I do not have an issue with Funny People. I do, however, have an issue with another one of Adam Sandler’s serious films. Click. In my mind, Click is the least realistic of all Adam Sandler movies.

I don’t mean realistic in the sense that no remote control can manipulate time.  I mean in terms of character believability.

I can imagine a hockey player being an amazing golfer and joining the PGA tour to make money to buy his grandma’s house. I can see a twenty something year old having to go back to elementary school in order to become the heir to his father’s fortune. I can even see a waterboy becoming the star middle lineback for some backcountry college and inexplicably leading that school to the national championship game despite losing two games to open the year. However, I cannot see anyone wanting a device which allows you to fast forward through time. That device would literally be the least worthwhile thing ever created. Ever.

Who want’s to speed up time? I have plenty of time-related gripes, but they are all of the I-wish-I-could-slow-it-down-variety. Sure, there are occasions where I think to myself, “I’m bored.” Or, “I’m a little hungry  and bored.” Or even, “I wish Christopher Walken could give me a remote control to speed up time.” However those thoughts are fleeting.  I spend much more time thinking about how awesome that one afternoon was two years ago. Or how much fun that night last December was. If you asked anyone if they would rather have a device to fast forward time or rewind it, everyone would answer rewind.

Of course, I don’t blame the creators of Click for ignoring this obvious flaw in their film. They couldn’t make a movie about a device which allows someone to go back in time. There would be no conflict or character development. If Adam Sandler were to have gotten control of a time reversal remote, the movie would have stunk. It would have been about a guy with a hot wife and and awesome life who met a weird scientist and got a cool gizmo which made his life even awesome-er. I recognize the problems with that.

So, for any scientists out there, I have a request. Please build me this device. I promise I would only use it for good, not evil. Seriously. I would just use it to relive days where cool things happened to me. Like the first time I went to Disney World or found a twenty dollar bill in the pocket of a jacket I hadn’t worn in a year. Here are my design/specification suggestions:

1. The device should be handheld.

In the movie, Sandler’s device was the size of a television remote. I’m realistic. I’m not stupid. I get it. A real time machine device would have to be at least, two or three times as big. I’d be willing to let the device be as large as a small microwave or toaster oven. Any bigger would be a deal breaker.

2. All ventures into the past last 8 hours.

This one’s pretty obvious. You can’t spend too long in the past or the past becomes the present. (Don’t think about that for too long, your brain will hurt.) Plus, keeping the trips short will make them more fun and special. Why did I specifically choose eight? I don’t know. I like round numbers. Ten seemed too long.

2. Resolve the whole “What if the present version of me runs into the past version of me?” problem.

I have seen Back to the Future enough to realize that bad things happen when you run into younger versions of yourself or family members. I request that you scientists deal with this issue before hand. I suggest making it so the present version of me replaces the past version of me. For instance, if I wanted to relieve the game winning three run home run I hit against Waukegan in a baseball game 7 years ago, I would dial up the date and time in my microwave and be sent back in time. The 2010 version of myself would be walking around hitting home runs and being a general bad ass while the 2003 version of me would be sent to some sort of time-space vacuum waiting room. Maybe there could be ESPN magazine subscriptions or maybe some VHS tapes or DVDs. You know, so 2003 me doesn’t get bored. Then, after eight hours I am sent back to the present and 2003 Peter is returned to 2003. Also, he has no memory of this weird waiting room.

3. Only I get to use this machine.

I don’t trust others. What if one of them breaks the microwave? My idea, my rules.

4. Most important, have fun!

I know this doesn’t really jive with the others, but I’m tired and needed a way to finish this piece.

Don’t blame Canada, blame Florida

So it’s 2010, and the lost decade is finally over. From 1990 to 2000, America’s economy got bigger than news of Tiger Wood’s “sex addiction” (By the way, f*** you Tiger, I didn’t think it was possible, but now even more women will be calling you for sex). Our economy was soaring and Favre was where he belonged, in green and yellow.

However, in the last ten years, energy and gas prices have sky rocketed, inflation has increased at record breaking rates while average salaries have not changed. Every American has witnessed first hand unemployment, our seniors have no retirement funds, and our entire country is eating itself by deficit spending. So who do we blame? The legislature!  Perhaps, but we replaced them very frequently during the last ten years, they just always suck. Now I know what you’re thinking- damn those Justices, they are to blame! Although they may seem conspicuous, I assure you, they did not corrupt our economy. So with the transitive property it is safe to say our focus falls on the big chair; the Presidency.

Well sure, we all know that George W. was the pilot of the plane that single handily crashed our economy, but he is too easy of a scapegoat. The question is; who made him the pilot? In 2000, the beginning of this previous, horrendous decade our country faced epic elections that would go down in the history books. The race came down to one state, Florida where George Bush defeated Al Gore by about 500 (yes five hundred) votes. But more specifically in the race, it came down to the 93, 500 votes that cast their vote for Nader in the hopes of… well shit, I don’t know. Of those 93,500 “independents”, more than likely those moderate views would align more with the Democratic party had Nader not been there.

Considering Al Gore lost the 2000 election by about 500 votes, I look at you 93,500 and ask “why?” Talk about making your vote count. It’s called strategic voting, try it. So when everyone, myself included, grumble in agony because of the rough economic setbacks, and reminisce, “what if” Florida went the other way in 2000, we have you to thank. And I think it is safe to say that Gore wouldn’t have done worse in office. So instead of some cliché phrase no one can even explain about hating Canada, I say we thank Canada for hockey, Steve Nash and Laura Vandervoort and single out the real culprits. Don’t blame Canada for anything, blame Florida. And most definitely do not listen to anyone named Flo Rida. That shit is wack.

People always ask me, “Peter, what’s your ideal spring break? What would you do? What would it entail?”

This is me answering that question.

My perfect spring break begins in Panama City. Not Panama City, Florida, the one all the frats and sororities stay at, but Panama City, Panama. I walk into a bar filled with small, blonde American women. Miley Cyrus’ Party in the USA is playing over the loudspeakers. I order a drink at the bar. The latina barista brings me my drink. I thank her and leave her a tip.

One of the small, blonde Americans wanders over to the bar and sits down next to me. She appears to be waiting for someone. The song in the bar transitions from Miley Cyrus to a native Panamian song. After a few seconds I lean over to the woman next to me and say, “Huh. This is definitely not a Nashville party.” She chuckles. “I guess we never got the memo.” I smile. She looks vaguely familiar. We make small talk for the next ten minutes. We both lie about who we are. She tells me she’s a famous actress. I tell her I’m a 17th century English aristocrat.

After we both finish our drinks we decide to walk down to the beach. The sun is beginning to set and the sky has turned a beautiful purple. It’s mind numbingly gorgeous. We walk barefoot on the beach for a while, gazing into the sinking sun. When the mood feels right, I lean in to kiss her. She pulls away. I’m embarrassed, but I act as if it doesn’t bother me. We continue walking in silence for while before she breaks the tension. “It’s nothing personal. Just, the age difference, you know?”

“I know,” I tell her.

We begin to make our way back to the sidewalk. We put our sandals back on. She told me she had fun tonight.  ”Me too,” I tell her. She turns to call a cab and I gently grab her arm. “Are you sure? This is your last chance. Are you sure you don’t want to hit this?” I gesture towards my body.

She slowly breaks into a smile. “You’re cute, you know that?” She gently kisses me on the cheek and raises her arm. A black limousine pulls over next to us. “But I’m Reese fucking Witherspoon.”

That’s where I knew her from.

I’m stunned. I walk dazed down the sidewalk. Finally, I regain my composure and walk back to my hotel. It’s now eleven thirty and the lobby is near empty. I stride across the marble floor and underneath the ornate ceiling towards the elevator. I press the Up button. The doors enter and I walk in. I press the 11. Just as the doors are about to close I hear a voice calling out hurriedly. A female voice.

“Hold the doorhold the doorhold the door.”

I don’t.

But she gets to the elevator in time anyway. She’s of average height and has curly brown hair.

“Thanks,” she says with a smile. I half smile back. She went to press a button but saw the 11 was already lit up. “Oh! Eleven.”

I half smile again. We ride upwards in silence. I’m staring at the different numbers lighting up. 1-2-3-4

“How was your night?” she asks.

“Not bad,” I tell her. “Hung out with Reese Witherspoon for a while.”

“How was that?”

“Eh. Just okay.”

5-6-7

A muzak version of Party in the USA began to play gently in the background.

“You know,” she says. “I don’t know why, but I kinda like this song.”

“Actually, me too. Because of this song, anytime I walk into a party I announce to the room, ‘Wow, this is definitely NOT a Nashville party.’ People go nuts. It’s awesome.”

She laughs. “That’s really funny.” She smiles at me.

8-9

“Where are you from?” she asks.

I’m surprised by the interest she’s showing in me. This causes me to inadvertently swallow while speaking. “America.” I choke out.

“You’re funny,” she says sincerely. “But where?”

“Near Chicago.”

“Me too!”

10

The doors open and we walk out.

Four years later, we marry.