My trip to Towson

There are some things in life I just won’t miss: the Super Bowl, McDonalds Monopoly and Dillo Day at Northwestern. The first two are self explanatory. But to clarify the third: For those of you who don’t know, Northwestern doesn’t have the most rambunctious party scene. Don’t get me wrong, we party, but not as much as other schools. It’s as if the founders of Northwestern made a deal with God that went something like this:

I actually do not love Towson

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The Top 10 Funniest TV Show Characters of the Past Decade (2000’s)

It’s no secret that we here we love our TV shows here at Pretzel Day. More specifically, we love funny ones. And seeing how we are comedy connoisseurs, we’d like to impart some of our wealth of wisdom on to you. And with the 2000’s having come to an end a few months ago, we’d like to look back on a decade of funny by ranking the top 10 funniest TV show characters since Y2K.

The rules are simple. The show that the character belongs to must have enjoyed its beginning or the bulk of its success during the time period of 2000 to 2009 (disqualifying shows like The Simpsons). Additionally, sketch comedy and late-night talk shows weren’t considered. Additionally, the show would have had to have at least 2+ seasons in order to properly develop the characters (sorry Freaks and Geeks).

Of course, my opinion is my opinion, and my list will generate some discussion, as I’m sure that even my colleagues here at Pretzel Day are bound to disagree with something about my list. But discussion is healthy, and this is definitely one worth having.

So, without further to do, here they are:

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Pretzel Day translates 50 Cent

I have been friends with rapper 50 Cent for several years. We grew up in the same neighborhood in rural Effingham, Illinois. We were practically connected at the hip. We did everything young boys from Effingham do. We milked cows, washed the pigs, collected eggs from the chickens, sheared some sheep, saddle the horses, shot the bison, and teased the rabbits. (The first two things were farm related tasks, the last five are all euphemisms for hooking up with women.)

Anywho, as you know, around Fifty’s seventh birthday his dad sold his farm and moved his family to Jamaica. I tried to visit him a couple times, but I didn’t have his Jamaican address. A few more years passed and I realized Fifty now resided in South Jamaica in Queens, New York. “My b,” I told Fifty.

After I figured out his new location, I went out there to visit him. He had fallen into a new crowd. A fast crowd. I went out there to celebrate my birthday and things got out of hand. He kept calling me “Shorty.” He kept asking me to drink Bicardi, but I was all like, “Yo, Fifty, we’re like nine.” He told me to eff myself. I was pissed. But enough time has passed and my wounds have healed. We’re friends again. Not like we were before, but maybe we’ll get there one day.

I know plenty of white people don’t understand rap. I get it. It’s confusing. While I myself am technically white, my background with Fifty allows me to understand him in ways others who share my skin tone cannot. I will now help you all understand Fifty Cent’s “If I Can’t.”

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Rod Blagojevich Goes Off the Deep End

We all remember the weird kid from our kindergarten class. For whatever reason, this student didn’t quite fit in. Think Minkus from “Boy Meets World.” Those of you Dane Cook fans (I’m looking at you, Jay and Peter) know this as the “Obby” phenomenon.  Cook identifies the outcast from our youth as one with an “Obby” name, like “Bobby.” If you were wondering, my name is spelled with an “ie” at the end, eliminating any possibility I was the weirdo in your class (rather, I was the jock).

Most of these kids grow up to become normal adults, with a scattered pedophilia here and a drug addiction there. But one outcast has soared above the rest. Rod Blagojevich, please rise.

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Things I am sorry for

Easter is just around the corner. As a result, I think it’s high time I clear my conscience and issue a round of apologies. The following is me spilling my guts.

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Thanks, Annoying People for ruining the word ‘epic’

Before I get started into the recent etymology of  the word epic, I would like to begin by greeting any Australian visitors this blog might have.

G’day! (I know, terribly cliche. I’m not happy I wrote that either.) My name is Peter. Any friend of Jay’s is a friend of mine. I’ve seen Crocodile Dundee, like, seven times. Furthermore, I’ve seen Crocodile Dundee 2 about five times. Crocodile Dundee 3, I only saw once. It wasn’t very good. I’m sorry. Please don’t tell Paul Hogan. On the other hand, I’m a huge fan of Colin Hay. Love it. Also, Scrubs which Jay says is huge over there.

We are not so different, American and Australia. We both begin with the letter A. We both were started by the Brits. We both have universal healthcare. (Almost) In conclusion, I hope you guys like Jay. But back to the topic at hand.

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The Ultimate (Backyard) Baseball Team

Greetings from Australia mates!

As some of our beloved readers know, I am currently in the middle of my semester studying abroad in Wollongong, Australia. The transition to Aussie life has been quite smooth – there aren’t too many big differences between our cultures. I have submerged myself into their beach lifestyle, have gotten into some Aussie music, and have even picked up on some of their lingo.

But one aspect of Australian life I have had trouble adjusting to goes against the very core of which I stand – sports.

Although I do enjoy me some footie (rugby), I must say that I have a major distaste for cricket. Cricket may be the national sport of Australia, but I just find it to be a more illogical, boring version of baseball.

And seeing how I used to be the manager of the greatest baseball team ever assembled, I think I know a thing or two about baseball.

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July 2018
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