Why is Kyle Orton celebrating?

6921_55286626029We know that Kyle Orton likes to party.

Thanks to this picture which began circulating the internet a few years ago, we can tell that Orton likes to party with Jack Daniels and what appears to be Coca-Cola. He also likes to pour alcohol onto his chin and leave it there, all shiny-like. Also, he lets it dribble onto his shirt.

Expect the bars and liquor stores in Orton’s hometown to experience a boom in business tonight, because barring some bizarre, unforeseen circumstance, he will have plenty to celebrate tonight.

As of 11:01 central time tonight, Rex Grossman will officially be a free agent and off the bears roster.

With Grossman off the Bears’ roster, Orton will have virtually no competition for next year’s starting job as the only other quarterbacks on the team are Caleb Hanie and Brett Basanez. The two have combined to throw for a total of 56 career passing yards and zero touchdowns.

So, drink up Mr. Orton! Now is the time to celebrate! But be careful, as Pretzel Day has previously reported you may be increasing your chance of rectal cancer with every Jack & Coke you take down.

Although in Orton’s case this probably won’t matter because with the probable loss of John Tait on the offensive line Orton might very well be murdered by an opposing team’s defense by the end of this year. Look for Antonio Pierce and Ray Lewis to be involved in the eventual crime cover-up.


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