How I discovered I am walking proof of Newton’s First Law

We all fight different battles. Obesity. Long division. Cocaine. Personally, my list of enemies is short. But after a particularly embarrassing series of events this weekend, it has grown by one. To make it worse, it’s a nemesis that has me surrounded at all times. Wherever I go, whatever I do, it’s there. I’m waging a war against gravity, and I’m falling away.

It began last Thanksgiving, on a harmless staircase at a friend’s house. I had almost reached the basement, I was so close I could hear voices. And that’s when it happened. I completely missed the bottom stair. And by completely, I mean completely. Next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor writhing in pain. Thoughts rushed through my head—could it be my ACL? What would this mean for my mediocre intramural dodgeball career?

As it turned out, it was my ankle. Nothing was broken or even sprained, but I was in crutches for a couple weeks. I told people the truth, that I was completely sober when this happened, but somehow that just made things worse.

Now I take stairs slowly, one step at a time. But the war wages on. Recently, on the deck outside a friend’s apartment, I wiped out on a sheet of ice. Luckily, no one saw. I immediately got up and proceeded to party. Later that night I fell victim to the ice once again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? Let’s never talk about this again.

Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come. As I walked back to my room I decided it would be cool if I jumped over the curb onto the street. And believe me, it was really cool. I’m sure everybody watching me at 2:00 AM was amazed. However they were probably less amazed after I wiped out in the middle of the road. Yep, there was ice in the middle of the road. As I lay on the ground I thought to myself, Is this a dream? Is it actually possible that I slipped on ice three times in one night? I immediately knew the answer the next morning when I woke up with a throbbing pain in my hand.

Every day I live in fear. Gravity is out to get me, and it’s going to take me down. So I’ve made a concerted effort to stay away from all things gravity-related. Surprisingly, that’s rather hard.

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3 Responses to “How I discovered I am walking proof of Newton’s First Law”


  1. 1 Jay January 28, 2010 at 9:00 am

    Try not to get too badly injured. We need you here at Pretzel Day. Keep up the fight.

  2. 2 Alecia December 22, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    Hi there to all, how is all, I think every one is getting more from this
    website, and your views are pleasant for new people.


  1. 1 Latest Technology Solar Panels – You Are Going To Be Amazed ! | 7 Point Trackback on January 22, 2010 at 7:30 am

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