The Release Point: The Tim Tebow Story

Scene: The dimly lit office of an NFL executive

Actors: NFL Executive dressed in a neatly pressed navy blue suit, drinking a glass of scotch while smoking a cigar.

Scout holding a clipboard after returning from the Senior Bowl.


[the scout meekly opens the door to the office]

Scout: Sir? May I come in?

NFL Exec: Please do. I’ve been expecting you.

[the Scout shuffles in]

NFL Exec: What do you have for me?

Scout: Well, we liked what we saw out of the offensive lineman from Texas and the the tight end from Wisconsin. Also, we saw some good stuff out of the defensive tack-

NFL Exec: Boring. Get to the fun positions.

Scout: Uh, yes sir. Good positions. Well, the running back from California impressed us. We also think the young man from Oregon will be there in the later rounds if we wish to wait to draft a running back.

[the Executive listens while puffing on his cigar]

Scout: For receivers, we think the one from Notre Dame has the highest upside, but the one from Illinois is the most NFL ready.

[After the Scout finishes speaking the room falls silent. It remains silent for several seconds]

NFL Exec: Well? And?

Scout: Sir?

NFL Exec: Well, what about quarterbacks?

[the Scout fidgets uncomfortably]

Scout: We found a couple of promising prospects who should be still available for our selection.

[the NFL Executive begins to laugh]

NFL Exec: That’s great news. Who is he?

[the Scout clears his throat]

Scout: Well, uh, he won two national championships. He was a three year starter in the notoriously competitive SEC.

NFL Exec: Excellent! Who is this fellow again?

[the Scout fidgets from side to side, nervously]

Scout: He, ahem, completed 67 percent of his passes and threw only 15 interceptions while throwing 88 touchdowns.

NFL Exec: This sounds too good to be true! You really think he’ll be available when we pick?

Scout: Yes sir, I’m almost sure of it.

[The NFL Executive slams the table in delight]

NFL Exec: Nicely done! This is a real coup on our part. What’s this fellow’s name?

[The Scout pauses. Finally, he sighs and stares down at the floor. He braces himself.]

Scout: It’s Tim Tebow, sir.

[The cigar falls out of the man’s mouth and onto the floor]

NFL Exec: Are you trying to ruin me? Are you trying to ruin this team? We can’t bring Tim Tebow in! Do you even fucking know where his release point is?

Scout: Yes sir, I do. I acknowledge the fact that he has work to do, but every quarterback coming into the league does. There’s a learning curve.

NFL Exec: Learning curve, my ass! Do you know what kind of offense he ran in college?

Scout: The spread-

[The NFL Exec cuts him off]

NFL Exec: The fucking spread! That’s not pro style! There were men in motion and four wide receivers and no tight ends or fullback.

[The Scout begins to shake]

Scout: Like I said, there are things he has to work on, but so does every rookie quarterback. They’re generally all bad. And running a pro-style in college by no means guarantees success in the NFL. Look at Matt Leinart or Brady Qui-

NFL Exec: Don’t you dare say his name! Don’t you dare. You cannot compare the almighty Brady Quinn to Tim Tebow! So help me, Mel Kiper Jr, I will fire your ass in a heartbeat if you dare sully His name.

[The NFL Exec rises to his feet and begins to lord over the scout]

Scout: I’m just saying that, yes, Tim Tebow has a lot to work on, but so do most quarterbacks. He’s a hard worker so I think it’s safe to say he has a reasonable shot at becoming a productive NFL player in some capacity.

[The NFL Executive sits back down]

NFL Exec: It’s not just on the field issues. He as off the field issues as well.

Scout: We’ve done our due diligence and we didn’t find anything.

NFL Exec: He’s religious.

[The NFL Executive shudders]

Scout: Well, yes, we knew that, sir.

NFL Exec: No domestic disturbances, no minor theft, no children. Nothing. Do you have any idea how distracting that will be in the clubhouse? Did you hear me? No domestic disturbances. What kind of football players don’t rough up their girlfriend? Don’t answer that, I’ll tell you: The crappy kind.

[The Scout sighs, resigned to his fate]

Scout: Maybe you’re right, sir.

NFL Exec: Of course I’m right. Now get out there and find me a quarterback who runs a pro style offense and has loose moral standards.

Scout: Yes, sir. Of course.

[The Scout turns and gingerly walks out of the office. The NFL Exec shakes his head and laughs to himself. He grabs the TV remote control on his desk and turns on the television]

NFL Exec: Ah! The Tonight Show. I’m so glad Jay Leno replaced that weird-ass Conan.

[The lights slowly fade to black and the curtains slowly cover the stage as the NFL Exec weakly smiles at several of Jay Leno’s topical, slightly funny “jokes.”]


1 Response to “The Release Point: The Tim Tebow Story”

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