Archive for February, 2010

Of One-Way Streets and Transvestites

This is the first in a series of posts in which I come to terms with the world. I cannot guarantee how many posts there will be, nor how often I will write, but I can promise this: You’ll like the way you look. I guarantee it.

 
I recently ventured to Madison, where, among other things, I took a picture with a large bratwurst participating in an“Underwear Run.”


Surprisingly that wasn’t the highlight of my weekend, however the highlight of my weekend isn’t suitable for the blog—I’ll save it for the police report.

I can definitely tell you about the low point of my weekend, though. Now I don’t like to complain, but there are some things that anger me. One of them is one-way roads. If you are like me, and avoid one-way roads like the plague, I advise you to stay out of Madison. There’s nothing wrong with one-way roads, just like there’s nothing wrong with kryptonite. But some of us can’t handle them. They were well marked and everyone else seemed to get around fine, but if I had a dollar for every time I turned the wrong way on a one-way street, I’d have enough money to buy a pack of gum (maybe two).


It’s probably just the way I was brought up, to be against the idea of one-way streets. It just doesn’t make sense to me. If you could configure a road, why would you make it go only one direction? Then people would have to go out of their way to get where they need to be.

Usually you’ll only come accross one-way roads in rural areas.  Thus the occasional one-way road in an urban area really takes you for a ride. They’re very uncommon, but common-enough where when you encounter one you have to do a double take. So if you think about it, one-way streets are kind of like transvestites.

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My Life as Jim Halpert: The Long Overdue Conclusion

I promised daily postings about my week as Jim Halpert. I started off strong, delivering four adequate posts Monday-Thursday. Then, I sorta fell apart. Life got in the way. Or, to be more specific, one of the greatest movies I have ever seen, got in the way.

I am, of course, speaking about Shutter Island. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, the movie debuted last Friday and I caught a 10:20 showing. Wow. I can’t really talk about the plot or why I found it so interesting without giving away details. But, man, that’s a movie.

When the movie let out around one, I was in no mood to write about my day. After having watched a movie of that quality, I could not bring myself to write. Scorcese just showed me how to move people emotionally with art. Pretzel Day is a first grader’s coloring book in comparison to Martin’s Mona Lisa.

Alas, enough time has passed so I now feel comfortable writing again.

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My Life as Jim Halpert: Day 4

Today, I found myself with a chunk of extra time in the middle of the day. So, I decided to watch the Olympics.

Before the Olympics, I was lukewarm on the whole ordeal. Winter sports are generally boring. Cross country skiing is beyond boring. Speed skating is frightening. The “half pipe” sounds like something a pothead would use to get high. That said, the whole thing is actually pretty cool. Nationalism, in general, leads to some pretty interesting things.

During my mid-afternoon break, the United States was taking on Denmark in curling. I realized one thing: I really like curling. Jim Halpert agrees.

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My Life as Jim Halpert: Day 3

One of the things I most like about Jim Halpert, is his lack of many prototypical “manly” characteristics.  Granted, he is good at basketball and as the picture to the left shows, can grow a great deal of chest hair. Those are traditionally manly qualities which I currently lack, but hope to one day possess.

But, as a whole, Jim lacks many alpha male characteristics. He’s shy. Awkward at times. Has troubles telling girls how they really feel about him.* He isn’t particularly suave or James Bond-esque. He’s just there. He is shockingly similar to me.

(*Full disclosure: I can’t really say I have trouble telling girls how I feel about them. One time a couple years ago I told a girl I loved her within a few weeks of meeting her. True story.)

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My Life as Jim Halpert: Day 2

Day 1 got off to a rousing start. I awoke this morning hoping for an equally successful day. I picked out my Jim clothes. This time I chose a white button up shirt with a navy tie and dark pants. I looked similar to the picture to the left, except much shorter and far less handsome and dapper.

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My Life as Jim Halpert: Day 1

The ground rules have been established. I picked out my outfit. (Light blue collar shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, a navy tie, with khakis.) I awoke this morning ready to become Jim Halpert.

I knew how I hoped people would react. When I told one friend my plan she immediately said that her reaction would be to, “Throw herself at me.” (I think she meant this as a euphemism, not in a literal sense.) Obviously, I was hoping everyone would react in this way.

That was not really the case.

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My Life as Jim Halpert: The Ground Rules

A few years ago I was told by a friend that my mannerisms and personality reminded him of Jim Halpert of The Office. I have heard this sentiment be echoed a few times since. This is not entirely a coincidence. I would be lying if I said I did not intentionally pattern my sense of humor and facial expressions after Jim’s.

Obviously, I am not nearly as beloved as Jim. I do not have strangers making t-shirts with my name on them. Nor have I inspired love letter styled blog posts from women whom I have never met. I think my mom likes me more than she likes Jim, though.

As I look at all these public displays of affection towards Jim and countless girls profess their love for Jim, it makes me wonder. Could I aim to replicate Jim  in hopes of inspiring similar overtures?

In order to find out, I have decided to spend Monday-Friday of this week as Jim Halpert.

Continue reading ‘My Life as Jim Halpert: The Ground Rules’