The Kyoto Protocol


Sometimes, I get self-conscious when I drive.

I don’t like driving with passengers. I don’t like people driving behind me. I suppose I’m okay with people driving alongside me, but I’m not thrilled about it. The reasons for this anxiety are twofold.

First off, I don’t like to speed. It makes me nervous. Anything more than 5 miles per hour over the listed speed limit is as high as I’ll go. Police are everywhere. Police carry guns. Think about that for a second. If I get pulled over for speeding, a police officer is going to tap on my window and speak to me, all while carrying a gun in a holster on his waist. The man[1] is a complete stranger. I don’t know who he is or what he is capable. Nor is he familiar with my normal patterns of behavior.

What if, when reaching for my wallet, he believes me to pulling out a weapon? What if I share a resemblance to an armed and dangerous escaped convict and the officer mistakes me for the fugitive? What if I become so focused or fixated on his gun that I try to grab it our touch it?[2] There are too many variables in play for me to feel totally comfortable.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, speeding wastes gas. Anytime I’m stopped at a red light, I dread the arrival of green.  Green means it’s time for me to stomp my foot on the gas and guiltily watch the RPM meter on my car shoot from zero all the way up to the three. I hope that my insanely slow driving helps save the environment.

I’d imagine this does help to some degree. After all, it has been proven that frequent acceleration does lead to increased fuel consumption. But, if I’m afraid of my impact on the climate, the obvious solution would be not driving at all. I’m not going to do that.[3] Instead, I have an even more obvious, helpful solution to this global warming problem. We should cancel production of the ABC show Modern Family. Immediately. Right now. Cancel it.

Think of all the energy and resources being used to make this show. Certainly, my carbon footprint pales in comparison to Modern Family’s. Plus, I need my car to do shit. Modern Family doesn’t. They use their fuel to make a shitty television show.[4]

I have never been on the set of a television show, but I assume they have trailers. Those trailers probably require fuel. They have lights that need to be lit, buffets of snacks that need to be filled, and terrible jokes to write. These things all take energy.[5] Certainly they require much more energy than my little sedan.

Yes, I feel guilty about driving, but those morons making Modern Family should feel much, much worse.


[1] Or woman, I suppose. But, really, have you ever heard of anyone being pulled over by a lady cop? I haven’t.

[2] That’s what she said.

[3] Sorry, Al Gore.

[4] Seriously. I’ve only seen 1.25 episodes, but it was terrible. If it had only incorporated a laugh track CBS executives would be falling all over themselves to pick it up.

[5] Except for the jokes thing. Those Modern Family writers don’t use too much energy on those.

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3 Responses to “The Kyoto Protocol”


  1. 1 daniel February 5, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    I totally disagree. Modern Family is the best new sitcom to come out since 30 rock started about 4 years ago. Seriously name me something better that has come out since 30 rock. And you know you have to trust my judgment in television shows.

  2. 2 Peter February 5, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    1. Parks and Recreation
    2. Community


  1. 1 The Kyoto Protocol « Pretzel Day « Kyoto Bookmarker Trackback on February 5, 2010 at 11:51 am

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