You know what? I’m glad the Olympics are over.

My week as Jim Halpert is over. The Olympics are over. Jay Leno is back on The Tonight Show. The first and third things make me sad, but the second one makes me kind of happy.

Don’t get me wrong. I like America. I’m just not crazy about the Olympics. I feel like the Olympics has lost some of its meaning in the couple thousand years since it began. The Olympics, of course, originated as a competition between Greek city-states. The competed for pride. The Olympics were about proving which city was the best. The winners sought to bring home glory for the city and, I would imagine, the right to have the 3000 B.C. equivalent of groupies. It was pretty awesome. Watching the 2010 Vancouver games made me realize things have changed for the worse. (Except for the whole homo erotic aspect to the ancient Olympics. It’s probably good they, you know, don’t make guys compete naked and let women have events too.)

The Greek Olympians were just guys. Today’s Olympians are not people. They are sequestered from the main population. They are often times taken from a very young age and made to train in weird, exotic locations like Milwaukee, Wisconsin or Minneapolis, Minnesota. Millions and millions of dollars are spent training people for these events. That’s bull.  America winning 37 medals doesn’t prove the superiority of America, it proves that our super athletes are better than the other super athletes. I want the Olympics to be about me. That’s why I think there need to be a few key changes.

1. Athletes cannot train for specific events.

Sorry, Holland. I know you love your speedskaters, but Sven Kramer can’t compete in my Olympics. None of your professionals can compete. This applies to all countries. Apollo Anton Ohno will be replaced by the guys who go to open skate night at community ice centers. Lougers will be replaced with kids who like to go sledding.  Curlers will be replaced with housewives. (Get it? Cuz of the sweeping.) Real people will be competing in the events. The hockey players won’t just be 6’0 215 pound guys playing hockey at the highest level. It will be made up of 30-40 year olds who are probably slightly overweight and a little undersized. No longer will the Olympics be made up of the freakishly athletic.

2. There will be no pre-Olympic qualifying.

Any country who can afford to send people may do so. Belize wants to send a hockey team? Sure. Zimbabwe wants to speed skate? Great. I understand, this would cause problems with time constraints, so that is why I’m also proposing…

3. Rather than having heats and time trials, all Olympic events will be formatted into single elimination tournaments which will run 24/7.

Different teams or competitors will be randomly seeded 1-whatever. All competitors will go head-to-head. The winner advances, loser goes home. Trust me, it will be very exciting.

Until the Olympics listen to me and changes things, I don’t really care if they’re on TV or not. I’d rather watch Parks and Recreation and Cougar Town anyway.

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1 Response to “You know what? I’m glad the Olympics are over.”


  1. 1 Download Dream House Days Hack May 3, 2014 at 10:58 pm

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