Special Guest Contributor

Pretzel Day gets a TON of fan mail. Literally a ton. It’s difficult to sort through it all. However, sometimes we get outstanding sample pieces and are asked to put them up on Pretzel Day. The following is a guest submission from a mysterious, unnamed author. We’ll call him “Marcus Twain.” Marcus, apparently, still believes it to be the year 2001 as he chose to write on the 2000 Presidential Election. No word yet when he (or she) will write a follow up piece discussing Y2k or “the internet.” Anyway, the following is Pretzel Day’s very first guest submission. If you would like to guest write, conduct Jay, Peter, or Robbie.

Don’t blame Canada, blame Florida

So it’s 2010, and the lost decade is finally over. From 1990 to 2000, America’s economy got bigger than news of Tiger Wood’s “sex addiction” (By the way, f*** you Tiger, I didn’t think it was possible, but now even more women will be calling you for sex). Our economy was soaring and Favre was where he belonged, in green and yellow.

However, in the last ten years, energy and gas prices have sky rocketed, inflation has increased at record breaking rates while average salaries have not changed. Every American has witnessed first hand unemployment, our seniors have no retirement funds, and our entire country is eating itself by deficit spending. So who do we blame? The legislature!  Perhaps, but we replaced them very frequently during the last ten years, they just always suck. Now I know what you’re thinking- damn those Justices, they are to blame! Although they may seem conspicuous, I assure you, they did not corrupt our economy. So with the transitive property it is safe to say our focus falls on the big chair; the Presidency.

Well sure, we all know that George W. was the pilot of the plane that single handily crashed our economy, but he is too easy of a scapegoat. The question is; who made him the pilot? In 2000, the beginning of this previous, horrendous decade our country faced epic elections that would go down in the history books. The race came down to one state, Florida where George Bush defeated Al Gore by about 500 (yes five hundred) votes. But more specifically in the race, it came down to the 93, 500 votes that cast their vote for Nader in the hopes of… well shit, I don’t know. Of those 93,500 “independents”, more than likely those moderate views would align more with the Democratic party had Nader not been there.

Considering Al Gore lost the 2000 election by about 500 votes, I look at you 93,500 and ask “why?” Talk about making your vote count. It’s called strategic voting, try it. So when everyone, myself included, grumble in agony because of the rough economic setbacks, and reminisce, “what if” Florida went the other way in 2000, we have you to thank. And I think it is safe to say that Gore wouldn’t have done worse in office. So instead of some cliché phrase no one can even explain about hating Canada, I say we thank Canada for hockey, Steve Nash and Laura Vandervoort and single out the real culprits. Don’t blame Canada for anything, blame Florida. And most definitely do not listen to anyone named Flo Rida. That shit is wack.


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