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Hi, Adam Sandler. Why so serious?

This post is NOT a critique of Adam Sandler. I don’t know him very well, but I generally like him. I enjoy his movies. I liked Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. I never saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but I heard it was better than you’d expect.

I even like Sandler’s more serious films. I loved Funny People. Apparently, that makes me a minority. (I hope that makes me eligible for affirmative action.  I could use some breaks.) I have only met three other people who liked that movie. Literally. I don’t get it. It wasn’t funny like The Forty Year Old Virgin but it wasn’t supposed to be. It had heart. It was about learning to be happy with yourself. Whatever.

Regardless, unlike most people I do not have an issue with Funny People. I do, however, have an issue with another one of Adam Sandler’s serious films. Click. In my mind, Click is the least realistic of all Adam Sandler movies.

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Special Guest Contributor

Pretzel Day gets a TON of fan mail. Literally a ton. It’s difficult to sort through it all. However, sometimes we get outstanding sample pieces and are asked to put them up on Pretzel Day. The following is a guest submission from a mysterious, unnamed author. We’ll call him “Marcus Twain.” Marcus, apparently, still believes it to be the year 2001 as he chose to write on the 2000 Presidential Election. No word yet when he (or she) will write a follow up piece discussing Y2k or “the internet.” Anyway, the following is Pretzel Day’s very first guest submission. If you would like to guest write, conduct Jay, Peter, or Robbie.

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My Perfect Spring Break

A lot of people are talking about spring break. This makes sense. After all, ’tis the season. (Just as an aside, I absolutely abuse the phrase “tis the season.” Literally, I abuse that phrase. I use it multiple times every season. In July if someone says, “Boy, it’s hot.” I’ll shrug and say, “Tis the season.” In October and someone comments about the changing leaves. “Tis the season.” Winter and it’s cold. Boom. Season.)

People always ask me, “Peter, what’s your ideal spring break? What would you do? What would it entail?”

This is me answering that question.

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“It wasn’t over, it’s still not over!”

Another classic– the pie scene from American Pie. Follow that up with a threesome from “Y Tu Mama Tambien” and a ridiculous bathroom scene from “Unfaithful.” Then, a movie where a couple have violent and painful sex scene on the stairs. Whatever works I guess. Finally the best sex scene from a chick flick, “The Notebook.” This one’s for all the female readers, and Jay.

Men, women, transexuals

A gay sex scene from a movie I had never heard of, “A Beautiful Laundromat.” Right before the two guys go at it, someone in the audience yells, “No!” Then a movie I may or may not have heard of, “Bound.” Scattered giggles turn into complete silence as the scene progresses. Next a movie called “What is a Woman?” I have a fleeting suspicion the female in this scene may be a transsexual. Annnnnnd yup, here comes the penis.

“I thought we’d get to know each other better before I watched you pee.”

Almost Famous– another movie on the “must see” list. The scene wasn’t really a sex scene, but I guess the sex was implied. Now Clerks is playing. The characters are having a discussion about how many dicks the female character sucked.She says 37, prompting her boyfriend to exclaim, “My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!” Man I love class.

Movie Day!

Today’s class? The best sex scenes from movies. First off, “When Harry Met Sally,” the fake orgasm scene. Then came… Brokeback Mountain. Next up it’s Nine 1/2 Weeks. I’ve never seen this movie, but the sex scene is pretty good.