Easter is just around the corner. As a result, I think it’s high time I clear my conscience and issue a round of apologies. The following is me spilling my guts.
Vinny Del Negro, I’m sorry. I said some pretty mean things about you after this game. Then, after this game, I said some REALLY mean things about you. I was out of line. I’m sure your parents do love you. You probably are smarter than most five year olds. Also, truth be told, I probably couldn’t coach better than you. Well, maybe I could, but it still wasn’t a nice thing to say.
British history professor from last year, I’m sorry. I didn’t read Road to Wigan Pier I cliffnoted it and based my paper off the in class discussions. Although, I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for, you only gave me a B+, dick.
Planet Earth, I’m sorry. I drank a couple water bottles. I know that stuff pisses you off.
High school girls, I’m sorry. I went back to my high school a couple months ago for the school’s variety show and I thought a couple of you were cute. Even though I’m still too young to play a high schooler on TV shows like The OC or 90210 I’m still too old for high school girls.
Raven Symone, I’m sorry. I’m just jealous. I wish I had gotten a chance to work with Sir Bill Cosby.
Everyone associated with Modern Family and The Big Bang Theory, I’m sorry. I really, really hate you guys, but I have no reason why. Being not funny is not a crime.
Luke Wilson, I’m sorry. Maybe it just looks like you’ve gotten really fat.
The only pretty girl in my Ethics of Scholarship class last semester, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stare. You were just the only semi-attractive girl in the class.
The American collegiate fraternity system, I’m sorry. I’m sure not everyone in frats are gay.
My friends, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a party pooper. I’m just really boring.
Waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to only tip two dollars on a twenty-six dollar bill. I didn’t have any other cash on me, and, in my defense, you weren’t a very good waitress. I literally had to ask three times to have a drink refill.
People who didn’t like Shutter Island, I’m sorry. I feel sorry for you guys. You all are really missing out. I do not understand you people. That movie was freakin’ incredible.
While we’re on the subject…
Random people in Whole Foods, I’m sorry. After seeing Shutter Island I was so into it, I needed to talk about it. Of course, I didn’t want to ruin the plot for my friends or family, so I preceded to walk around the grocery store, just talking about the ending. I should have at least spoiler alerted.
Girls with brown hair who dye their hair a platinum color, I’m sorry. I tend to think all you ladies are whores. That’s just not true. There are bound to be one or two of you are just a little bit easy.
Pretentious D-bags, I’m sorry. You know what, screw it. I don’t apologize. You guys are d-bags.
Pretzel Day 
You are awesone 🙂