sweet and salty goodness that brightens your day
There are some things in life I just won’t miss: the Super Bowl, McDonalds Monopoly and Dillo Day at Northwestern. The first two are self explanatory. But to clarify the third: For those of you who don’t know, Northwestern doesn’t have the most rambunctious party scene. Don’t get me wrong, we party, but not as much as other schools. It’s as if the founders of Northwestern made a deal with God that went something like this:
I actually do not love Towson
We all remember the weird kid from our kindergarten class. For whatever reason, this student didn’t quite fit in. Think Minkus from “Boy Meets World.” Those of you Dane Cook fans (I’m looking at you, Jay and Peter) know this as the “Obby” phenomenon. Cook identifies the outcast from our youth as one with an “Obby” name, like “Bobby.” If you were wondering, my name is spelled with an “ie” at the end, eliminating any possibility I was the weirdo in your class (rather, I was the jock).
Most of these kids grow up to become normal adults, with a scattered pedophilia here and a drug addiction there. But one outcast has soared above the rest. Rod Blagojevich, please rise.
Pretzel Day gets a TON of fan mail. Literally a ton. It’s difficult to sort through it all. However, sometimes we get outstanding sample pieces and are asked to put them up on Pretzel Day. The following is a guest submission from a mysterious, unnamed author. We’ll call him “Marcus Twain.” Marcus, apparently, still believes it to be the year 2001 as he chose to write on the 2000 Presidential Election. No word yet when he (or she) will write a follow up piece discussing Y2k or “the internet.” Anyway, the following is Pretzel Day’s very first guest submission. If you would like to guest write, conduct Jay, Peter, or Robbie.
Another classic– the pie scene from American Pie. Follow that up with a threesome from “Y Tu Mama Tambien” and a ridiculous bathroom scene from “Unfaithful.” Then, a movie where a couple have violent and painful sex scene on the stairs. Whatever works I guess. Finally the best sex scene from a chick flick, “The Notebook.” This one’s for all the female readers, and Jay.
A gay sex scene from a movie I had never heard of, “A Beautiful Laundromat.” Right before the two guys go at it, someone in the audience yells, “No!” Then a movie I may or may not have heard of, “Bound.” Scattered giggles turn into complete silence as the scene progresses. Next a movie called “What is a Woman?” I have a fleeting suspicion the female in this scene may be a transsexual. Annnnnnd yup, here comes the penis.
Almost Famous– another movie on the “must see” list. The scene wasn’t really a sex scene, but I guess the sex was implied. Now Clerks is playing. The characters are having a discussion about how many dicks the female character sucked.She says 37, prompting her boyfriend to exclaim, “My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!” Man I love class.
Today’s class? The best sex scenes from movies. First off, “When Harry Met Sally,” the fake orgasm scene. Then came… Brokeback Mountain. Next up it’s Nine 1/2 Weeks. I’ve never seen this movie, but the sex scene is pretty good.
Welcome to the most popular class at Northwestern. With around 600 students in the lecture (roughly eight percent of the school’s total enrollment), there is never a dull moment. It’s taught by John Michael Bailey, a brilliant but controversial researcher. Plus, it’s all about sex. Keep it here for a play-by-play of today’s class.
This is the first in a series of posts in which I come to terms with the world. I cannot guarantee how many posts there will be, nor how often I will write, but I can promise this: You’ll like the way you look. I guarantee it.
I recently ventured to Madison, where, among other things, I took a picture with a large bratwurst participating in an“Underwear Run.”
Surprisingly that wasn’t the highlight of my weekend, however the highlight of my weekend isn’t suitable for the blog—I’ll save it for the police report.
I can definitely tell you about the low point of my weekend, though. Now I don’t like to complain, but there are some things that anger me. One of them is one-way roads. If you are like me, and avoid one-way roads like the plague, I advise you to stay out of Madison. There’s nothing wrong with one-way roads, just like there’s nothing wrong with kryptonite. But some of us can’t handle them. They were well marked and everyone else seemed to get around fine, but if I had a dollar for every time I turned the wrong way on a one-way street, I’d have enough money to buy a pack of gum (maybe two).
It’s probably just the way I was brought up, to be against the idea of one-way streets. It just doesn’t make sense to me. If you could configure a road, why would you make it go only one direction? Then people would have to go out of their way to get where they need to be.
Usually you’ll only come accross one-way roads in rural areas. Thus the occasional one-way road in an urban area really takes you for a ride. They’re very uncommon, but common-enough where when you encounter one you have to do a double take. So if you think about it, one-way streets are kind of like transvestites.
I don’t know about you, but I love to put myself in someone else’s shoes. What is Barack Obama really thinking as he delivers the State of the Union Address? What does Lil’ Wayne do on a day-to-day basis (and is his life actually as ridiculous as he makes it seem)? Some of these questions may be answered some day, others never will. For example, what was Kanye West thinking when he jumped onstage and stole the mic from Taylor Swift? Was he actually thinking, “What I’m about to do is in my best interest”? Also, things like this.
But the ultimate WTF moment may be encapsulated by Greg Oden, Taio Cruz and an episode of Smart Guy.
Pretzel Day 