Archive for the 'Robbie' Category

My trip to Towson

There are some things in life I just won’t miss: the Super Bowl, McDonalds Monopoly and Dillo Day at Northwestern. The first two are self explanatory. But to clarify the third: For those of you who don’t know, Northwestern doesn’t have the most rambunctious party scene. Don’t get me wrong, we party, but not as much as other schools. It’s as if the founders of Northwestern made a deal with God that went something like this:

I actually do not love Towson

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Rod Blagojevich Goes Off the Deep End

We all remember the weird kid from our kindergarten class. For whatever reason, this student didn’t quite fit in. Think Minkus from “Boy Meets World.” Those of you Dane Cook fans (I’m looking at you, Jay and Peter) know this as the “Obby” phenomenon.  Cook identifies the outcast from our youth as one with an “Obby” name, like “Bobby.” If you were wondering, my name is spelled with an “ie” at the end, eliminating any possibility I was the weirdo in your class (rather, I was the jock).

Most of these kids grow up to become normal adults, with a scattered pedophilia here and a drug addiction there. But one outcast has soared above the rest. Rod Blagojevich, please rise.

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Special Guest Contributor

Pretzel Day gets a TON of fan mail. Literally a ton. It’s difficult to sort through it all. However, sometimes we get outstanding sample pieces and are asked to put them up on Pretzel Day. The following is a guest submission from a mysterious, unnamed author. We’ll call him “Marcus Twain.” Marcus, apparently, still believes it to be the year 2001 as he chose to write on the 2000 Presidential Election. No word yet when he (or she) will write a follow up piece discussing Y2k or “the internet.” Anyway, the following is Pretzel Day’s very first guest submission. If you would like to guest write, conduct Jay, Peter, or Robbie.

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“It wasn’t over, it’s still not over!”

Another classic– the pie scene from American Pie. Follow that up with a threesome from “Y Tu Mama Tambien” and a ridiculous bathroom scene from “Unfaithful.” Then, a movie where a couple have violent and painful sex scene on the stairs. Whatever works I guess. Finally the best sex scene from a chick flick, “The Notebook.” This one’s for all the female readers, and Jay.

Men, women, transexuals

A gay sex scene from a movie I had never heard of, “A Beautiful Laundromat.” Right before the two guys go at it, someone in the audience yells, “No!” Then a movie I may or may not have heard of, “Bound.” Scattered giggles turn into complete silence as the scene progresses. Next a movie called “What is a Woman?” I have a fleeting suspicion the female in this scene may be a transsexual. Annnnnnd yup, here comes the penis.

“I thought we’d get to know each other better before I watched you pee.”

Almost Famous– another movie on the “must see” list. The scene wasn’t really a sex scene, but I guess the sex was implied. Now Clerks is playing. The characters are having a discussion about how many dicks the female character sucked.She says 37, prompting her boyfriend to exclaim, “My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!” Man I love class.

Movie Day!

Today’s class? The best sex scenes from movies. First off, “When Harry Met Sally,” the fake orgasm scene. Then came… Brokeback Mountain. Next up it’s Nine 1/2 Weeks. I’ve never seen this movie, but the sex scene is pretty good.

July 2018
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